Good & Bad Marriage Counselors #1

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Three Dangers of Marriage Counseling

#1 The Counselor is not trained 

IT wasn’t long ago that a very credentialed professor from the University of Minnesota wrote an article on “Why Therapy can be Hazardous to your Marital Health”. Being a marriage therapist and mentor his title jerked my attention. He was sounding an alarm to couples about bad counselors. He states, “You’d be interested to know that, according to a national survey, 80 percent of all private practice therapists in the United States say they do marital therapy and only 12 percent of them are in a profession that requires only one course or any supervised experience. Only marriage and family therapy as a profession requires any coursework or supervised clinical experience in marital or couples therapy. So most people who say they’re doing this work picked it up on the side or not at all.”

I frequently experience this in my own practice. I’ll hear opening comments as, “Well, we’ve been to see four counselors and you’re number five.” It’s  a ‘buyer beware’ market, as is the choice of any coach. You can’t use a successful NFL coach to teach intricacies for a successful girls Olympic gymnastics. In the same way, we need to be watchful as to who we choose as a counselor.

I teach people to interview their counselor.

  • What training have you had? Get an idea of what they have done to learn, train, and improve themselves.
  • What strategy will you use? See if they even have a strategy, a plan, a format they follow because it tells you they are prepared.
  • What courses have you taught? Many of us teach seminars and it is a good way to check areas of competency.
  • What Biblical principles will you hold to?
  • What is your view on accountability?
  • What is your success rate with couples? Ask others about their experience with a certain counselor. Get recommendations
  • What do you do on a daily basis to walk with God?

Actually the first questions are great and they tell me much, but if you are a Christian and you believe in Biblical Guidance, then that last question is the deal breaker. If they don’t have a walk with God then what and how will they teach you?

I see so much of this in counselors. They think if they understand one concept they are experts in multiple areas. I have a lot of training and experience in Dysfunctional Family Origin, Attachment, Early Teen Development and Marriage Counseling, but when it comes to Drug and Alcohol or Addiction therapy, I’m in the back seat. I listen attentively to what they say and marvel at their expertise, but I wouldn’t coach in their specialty field.

For myself, I live, eat, and sleep in the areas God has called me to. If you are going to undergo heart surgery would you want someone who can’t stop thinking about your surgery or someone who can’t wait to get on the golf course?

I remember seeing Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Indiana Jones, famed adventurer and archaeologist acquires a diary that holds clues and a map to find the mysterious Holy Grail. Upon retrieving his father in Nazi territory, the rescue mission turns into a race to find the Holy Grail before the Nazis. It boils down to a final moment. They have passed the tests and found the cave where a 900 year old knight guards the water of eternal life. Before them is a table of cups, the guardians asks, “Which cup will you choose?” The Nazi runs forward to grab the most beautiful gold challis. Drinking the fountain water, he steps back in a grin…. Then changes from a smile, screams, his face melts, and he explodes. It’s pretty graphic. In the quiet that follows the shock of this man being reduced to a pile of dust, the guardian knight says matter of factly (which makes it ever more hilarious) “He chose poorly.”

Well duh… what do you think?

But bottom line life can be full of poor decisions, so do your homework and choose wisely; the choice is yours. Winners use Winning Coaches.

A Parents Job

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Scripture: “You must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commandments I am giving you. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home, and when you are away on a journey, when you are lying down, and when you are getting up again.” Deuteronomy 6:6-7

Thought: I took my job seriously as a mom and I taught basic spiritual principles to my children. I wanted them to learn that their actions revealed their value system and God’s commandments. What they do will show what they really believe. “A good person produces good deeds from a good heart, and an evil person produces evil deeds from an evil heart. Whatever is in your heart determines what you say.” Luke 6:45. It was my job to parent my children in the way God commanded me to when he entrusted His children to be mine to raise. A couple of stories that my adult children recently shared with me as a memory that left a legacy in their life was one day we were grocery shopping and my son found $20 on the floor. We really could have used that money and easily walked away without drawing attention. BUT, my children were observing with thoughts of intent questions. After explaining our choices, we did the right thing and took the money to customer service. Shortly after we got home, we received a call from the lady that dropped the money, thanking us for being honest people. That was her grocery money for the week from social security. I felt proud; it’s my job to set an example for my children. “Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you teach, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, your purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12. Another rule in our house was, no sibling fights and “tattle tails”. When it happened they knew right away that they would both be disciplined; sit next to each other until one was ready to make the first move to apologize, but first they had to wear the “Get Along” t-shirt.

Action: Don’t tell your children, “Do as I say, not as I do”. Instead, teach your children to do what you do. Are you setting a good example for your children and grand-children? It is impossible to give away what you don’t have. Live by spiritual principles and leave a legacy of your life for your children that will honor God. Put God First, it’s about our children. “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him.” Psalm 127:3

Prayer: Lord, it’s not about me, it’s about being obedient to you. Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. (Ps. 119:105) Please help me to be disciplined as a role model to your children that you’ve entrusted to me. Amen

Keys4-Unity Put God First

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Scripture: “Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit, and there are varieties of ministries, but the same Lord. There are varieties of results, but it is the same God who produces all the results in everyone. To each person has been given the ability to manifest the Spirit for the common good.” (ISV) 1 Corinthians 12:4-7

Thought: Recently, I assisted at a conference for the unity of marriages. During this time I exerted a lot of energy and my husband was concerned that my sleepless days would bear on my health. I tried in my best effort to explain that I was preparing a banquet for Jesus and He deserved my very best. God provided me with the strength of energy, other members of the body, and the ability to get His job done. Now, there was a time I thought God passed me up when He was passing out talents. I wanted to be like others that I admired and saw that they were blessed with a spiritual gift. But now I can see that I wouldn’t want to have the burden of continually using that particular gift faithfully. However, God did bless me with the gifted ability to serve others. Jesus tells us in Matthew 25:29, “If you use wisely what you have, you will be given more.” The Bible makes it clear that what God has given to each of us, if used faithfully, will accomplish great things. God takes joy in using the gifts the world may see as my inability to lack a certain talent, but He purposely uses my gift to accomplish His plan.

Action: What is keeping you from using your talented gift to serve in the unity of Christ? Is it your own lack of discipline or circumstances beyond your control? If it is truly circumstances beyond your control, then take comfort in the fact that God still loves you and perhaps the suffering that is keeping you from reaching out in physical service, is a blessing and God has given you a gift of praying for others. Unity creates a more beautiful worship experience. Set your mind on discovering the gifts and abilities that God specifically had in mind when He created you.

Prayer: Lord, I ask not what You can do for me, but what can I do for You? The purpose of my life is not about me, it’s about serving You for Your Kingdom to come on earth as it is in heaven. Show me this day Father, Your gift, Your strength and my ability to serve You in unity of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Parenting Children’s Faith

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After my first born son, I searched for a parenting manual on raising kids. I thought the hospital included one with all of the other samples and freebies for moms. I needed something with different categories like, “How to Understand the Different Cries”, “What’s Normal for a Child’s First Word, mama, daddy, no?” “How to Stop Whining” “How to Sleep Through the Night”, and How to Get Your Kids to Listen When Your Talking”.
Christian parents face just as many obstacles as non-Christians in raising kids. When you add all the distractions and the pressures in today’s world, Christian parenting becomes even more than a challenge.
A huge part of that challenge is passing on your faith to kids whose priorities are more focused on video games, sporting events, and the latest trends in clothes. And let’s not forget to mention peer pressure and media pressure that offers temptations to kids to do drugs, drink alcohol and get involved sexually. Today’s kids face an overall absence of godly examples and moral living in a society that is moving toward “freedom from religion” instead of “freedom of religion.”
“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him.” Psalm 127:3

Parents are role models. Spiritual values and character are caught as well as taught. Parents bare the fundamental responsibility for spiritual education. Spiritual values are most effective when integrated into family living. A child watches their parent’s life to conclude the importance of a relationship with God.

“You must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commandments I am giving you, Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home, and when you are away on a journey, when you are lying down, and when you are getting up again.” Deuteronomy 6:6-7

Most of the parents I know have a strong desire to raise their children to be honest, respectful, thoughtful, and passionate about their hopes and dreams. With three boys, I know the difficulty in completing this task. When I was young, before I even had children, I imagined a plan for my parenting. After watching and listening to my parents teaching, I wanted to set the same example with some modifications. Although I wasn’t perfect, I did the best I could, following the manual God wrote. This is what I learned, lived and taught:

1. I gave my children to Our Lord. When they were just a couple months old, I had them christened. “Then He took the children into His arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them.” Mark 10:16
2. I raised my children with loving discipline. “…Don’t make your children angry by the way you treat them. Rather bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4
3. I lived by faith in my own life. It is impossible to give away something you don’t have. I wanted my kids to know that we could ask God for all things in good times and bad and He would answer our prayers according to His Will and our desires. And He would never leave us or let us down. Matthew 7:7, Romans 8:28, Hebrews 13:5-6
4. I shared my faith early in my children’s lives. We went to church every Sunday and as they got older and balk, it was a nonnegotiable. They needed to know that spending time with God is important. My children heard me share my faith with others and heard me talk about the great things happening in the church. We prayed for friends and family and asked others for prayer. My children witnessed my quiet times every morning when I was doing devotions. We read and told bible stories at night. “You must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commandments I am giving you, Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home, and when you are away on a journey, when you are lying down, and when you are getting up again.” Deuteronomy 6:6-7
5. I served as a role model and set spiritual examples. I remember one day we were grocery shopping and my son found $20 on the floor. We really could have used that money and easily walked away without drawing attention. BUT, my children observed. We took the money to customer service. Shortly after we got home, we received a call from the lady that dropped the money, thanking us for being honest people. That was her grocery money for the week from social security. “Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you teach, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, your purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12
6. I taught basic spiritual principles to my children. I wanted them to learn that their actions revealed their value system. What they do shows what they really believe. “A good person produces good deeds from a good heart, and an evil person produces evil deeds from an evil heart. Whatever is in your heart determines what you say.” Luke 6:45

As the boys got older, my role changed from their primary influence to one of a mentor or coach. We shared more about growing in the Fruits of the Spirit.
• How to hear from God. The Holy Spirit speaks to our hearts. Hebrews 8:10-12
• What it means to be a student of God’s Word. One must love the truth 2 Thessalonians 2:10 and be willing to obey it 1 Peter 1:22. I have hidden your word in my heart, Psalm 119:11
• The act of surrendering to God’s will. Deny yourself; Matthew 16:24-27, Trust in the Lord; Proverbs 3:5-6, Draw near to God; James 4:8
• Only God’s grace can really build godliness. God provides all that is necessary for life and Godliness; 2 Peter 1:2-7
• Pray and Trust in Christ who is Our Lord. Those that know Christ, put their trust in Him, Psalm 9:10; Pray without ceasing, 1 Thessalonians 1:3; We are not alone in life, God is always with us so be strong with courage, Joshua 1:9

And now, young adult men my children follow after God’s heart in their own way.

What about You? Do you have a plan to leave a legacy of faith for your children?