When Anger Separates Family Members
Here’s How to Reconnect
Do you have a family member you no longer see or talk to? It could be a brother, sister, grown child, cousin, parent, in-law, aunt or uncle. Maybe it was something he/she said or something you did, but no matter the cause, there is a sense of loss.
Here is my proven five-step plan for bringing an estranged family member back into the fold…
Adapted from Author Douglas Stone
Publication: Bottom Line Personal Date: November 15, 2014
Understand there are Two Sides
Family members who cut off contact often do so because they believe that it’s the only way they can protect themselves and their sanity. From the family members point of view, he is acting reasonably while other members of the family have treated him unreasonably. Try to understand what might have led this family member to think and feel this way.
Example: The estranged family member always complained that no one in the family listened to his wife or respected her. At the last family gathering, the wife got so angry, she walked out. Perhaps he thinks cutting off contact is the only way to maintain his wife’s sense of self-worth.
You do not have to agree with their perception, but it’s important to try to understand from that person’s point of view. We often have an impact on others that we may not be aware of. It’s useful to ask yourself, “What did I say or do that may have impacted or alienated other family members?”
Send the Right Kind of Letter
If you have been out of touch for a long period, a handwritten letter can be a useful way to attempt to reconnect. Handwritten letters have become rare, so sending one signifies a special effort.
This letter should describe the impact the distance has on your current life. Express a desire to repair the relationship. Acknowledge the discomfort, but also include your thought of the value and propose a first step.
Example: “I miss you. My life and our family life aren’t the same without you. Maybe we could see if there’s a way for us to start the process of trying to fix our injuries. I’ll be in town on the 12th. Could we get together for coffee?”
The letter needs to be short, simple and sincere. The details will come when you meet or talk on the phone. Resist the urge to defend your past actions or the actions of other family members. Do not apologize, even if you recognize that you played a role in the rift. Estranged family members are so predisposed to expect negative interactions with their families that it’s easy for them to see ulterior motives in apologies. This person might conclude, He’s trying to seem like “the good one” by apologizing, but he’s not.
Acknowledge without Agreeing
When you meet with the estranged family member, encourage them to speak their mind first. Don’t expect open, warm hugs at first. There’s a good chance this person will be full of blame and righteousness. Resist the urge to contradict, this would only deepen the rift. Instead, let the person know you are working hard to understand, “I can see how hurt you are by what I said. Were there other things I said or did that contributed to how you’ve been feeling?” After you’ve spent time seeking to understand, you can express remorse, (if you genuinely feel remorse), “I’m sorry that things I said and did caused you this pain.” Take ownership for your contribution to the problem, “I can see how I contributed to the strain in our relationship.”
You may find yourself getting angry while your family member is talking, but resist the urge to lash out. Instead, prompt them to keep talking, “We have different perceptions, but I’m trying to understand your view, I never thought of it the way you described.”
Transition Gently to Your Viewpoint
When the estranged person is finished explaining their views, thank them for sharing and explicitly turn the conversation to the topic of how you’ve been feeling.
Example: “Thanks for explaining that. I know how hard it must have been to open up to me. But it really did help me to understand how you experienced what happened, and it helped me to see what I’ve been contributing to the problem. I want to share how I’ve been feeling as well.”
State your thoughts in a calm and blame-free way, even if the estranged family member was aggressive and abrasive when he spoke. Avoid attributing motives, instead, describe the impact of their actions on you.
Example: Rather than, “You didn’t invite me to your Christmas party because you take every opportunity to exclude me,” try, “When you didn’t invite me to your party, I felt left out and hurt.”
Defuse Future Conflict in Advance
If the estranged family member agrees to reestablish contact, there will likely to be some bumps in the road. Make sure everyone is aware that stress and misunderstandings are normal. Ask each family member in advance if they have specific expectations and set clear, healthy boundaries. Make sure the boundaries are a mutual agreement. Also, set up time to follow up to discuss how people are feeling.
Example: “I think we can all agree that from time to time, one of us will get on another’s nerve unintentionally, but let’s agree not to let things fall apart next time. Let’s agree that whenever either of us says something that the other considers out of bounds, we can just say ‘time out’ and agree to talk about it later.”
Mending Fences with Family: If All Else Fails…
Sometimes estranged family members rebuff repeated attempts at reconciliation. If so….
Be sure you’ve made amends. It is important to take responsibility for whatever part you played in the estrangement, and try to repair any past hurts.
Don’t give up hope. The estranged family member might become more open to reconciliation down the road, though perhaps not until there is a significant change in the family dynamic.
Examples: The estranged relative becomes more confident due to an improvement in life circumstances. Or an estranged child becomes a parent and becomes more sensitive to the challenges of parenting.
Suggest that the two of you speak in the presence of a family therapist. Estranged family members sometimes feel more comfortable meeting this way.
Send friendly, chatty e-mails or letters every few months—even if you never receive a response. These serve as a reminder that you still want to have a relationship and make it less uncomfortable for the estranged family member to contact you later.
Warning: Do not rehash the past or try to solve the underlying problems in these notes.
If attempts to reach out inevitably enrage the estranged family member, stop making contact. Additional attempts will only increase the animosity.
Monitor your emotions. Being frozen out by a family member can trigger feelings of guilt, regret, anger or worry. Speak with a family therapist if these feelings become overwhelming.
Do not ask other family members to take sides. That would make it even harder for things to ever return to normal. It would also make it less likely that your children will ever form a relationship with the estranged family member’s children. Instead, be diplomatic when discussing the situation with your family. Express regret that the relationship has gone wrong and hope that it eventually can be mended.
Be cautious with social media. It’s sometimes possible to keep tabs on estranged relatives through social-media sites and Internet searches. But doing so could dredge up painful memories and feelings of loss, leaving you feeling worse.